How to Discover and Define Your Ideal Partner Preferences

Have you ever found it hard to explain why you’re attracted to someone? Maybe you have a “type,” but it’s more of an intangible vibe than a clear description. You know it when you feel it, but can’t quite put it into words.

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As a matchmaker, I’ve talked to thousands of singles about their dream partners. The preferences I’ve heard range from the mundane (“great with kids”) to the incredibly specific (“looks cute in a rain poncho”). Yet one thing I’ve learned is this: while most people can recognize their perfect match once they meet them, articulating their preferences beforehand is not so easy.

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At Keeper, our mission is to uncover what (and who) you’re truly looking for – even if you don’t have all the answers yet. Today, I’m sharing a simple yet powerful framework that will help you clarify your exact preferences, navigate the dating world with clarity, and progress closer to finding “the one.”

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Why Do You Need to Clearly Define Your Preferences?

Research shows that people who understand their preferences are surprisingly good at predicting the kind of person they can build a lasting relationship with. Through introspection, we can reach a pretty good understanding of what will truly work for us.

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But most people never take proper inventory of their preferences. They guess their way forward, navigating on a partner-by-partner basis, hoping to stumble into a relationship that feels right. 

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While this trial-by-error approach might eventually lead you to a great relationship, it’s a bit like trying to find your way out of a dense forest under a thick fog. You’ll retrace the same paths over and over, mistake temporary clearings for the forest’s edge, and waste precious time hiking in the wrong direction.

Without a clear understanding of your preferences, you’ll find yourself:

• Falling for surface-level traits like charisma or physical attraction, only to find deeper compatibility is missing.
• Overlooking red flags that would have been obvious if you had clarified your dealbreakers in advance.
• Re-living unhealthy patterns by choosing partners who feel familiar but aren’t aligned with your needs.
• Missing opportunities with amazing matches because they don’t neatly fit your narrowly conceived “type.”
• Wasting years in loops of frustration as you watch your relationships collapse without warning.

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Defining your preferences is how you clear the fog, navigate relationships with intention, and avoid wasting precious years on bad matches. Most importantly, it’s how you create space and open the door to finding your one true soulmate.

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How Do You Define Your Relationship Preferences?

So, how do you untangle that ball of undifferentiated vibes, instincts, and feelings and turn it into a clear, actionable list of preferences? 

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At Keeper, we ask about your preferences in a number of ways, ensuring nothing gets overlooked. But we start with straightforward questions about your desired match’s appearance, personality, and other key traits. The more articulate and accurate you can be, the better.

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(Of course, even if you’re not using Keeper, you’ll want to complete this exercise for all of the reasons discussed above.)

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Here’s a quick guide to sketching out your ideal partner:

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1. Be Specific

Let’s clarify what’s not a preference. Words like “nice,” “cute,” “handsome,” and “funny” are not preferences. These are universal descriptors that everyone finds appealing – but they say nothing about what stands out to you.

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What specific features make someone handsome? What does someone actually do that makes them nice? What kind of humor do you want your partner to enjoy? Do they need to have jokes, or is it enough if they laugh at your jokes or share your sense of fun?

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The key is to be distinctive. What do you like or hate that other people might react to differently? Think less in terms of traits and more in terms of behaviors, or how those traits manifest.

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For example:

• Saying “I hate rude people” is obvious. Instead, specify: I hate when people dismiss my ideas offhand, interrupt me, or criticize me publicly.
• Saying “I want an affectionate partner” is fine, but detail makes it more useful: I want someone who shows affection through thoughtful gestures and kind words, but I’m uncomfortable with PDA and baby talk.
• Saying “I want someone fun” is vague. Consider saying: I love a partner who enjoys spontaneous road trips or surprises me with fun dates, but I’m not drawn to thrill-seekers who are obsessed with extreme sports.

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2. Be Exhaustive

There are no bad preferences. The heart wants what the heart wants. Everybody has preferences that are irrational or hard to explain stemming from the deepest parts of who we are. From your most base lusts to your loftiest spiritual ideals, every preference deserves acknowledgment.

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Be brutally honest. If you start to feel a little judgmental, that’s a good sign you’re tapping into your real desires. It’s your life and your future spouse, so document any and every preference, no matter how choosy, narrow, elitist, or anything-ist it feels. 

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You ignore your preferences at your own peril. Better to be picky now then to watch your future relationship crumble because you couldn’t admit that they weren’t what you were looking for.

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3. Look to Your Past Relationships

One powerful way to clarify your preferences is by reflecting on past relationships, flings, and even unrequited crushes.

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Make a list of every memorable romantic connection you’ve ever had, whether you acted on it or not. For each one, list their pros and cons – what drew you to them, what worked, and what didn’t. Dig deep. The goal is to create a “master list” of traits, behaviors, and dynamics you’d like to pursue or avoid.

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If you haven’t been in many relationships, look at the relationships around you for inspiration. Consider your parents, relatives, and friends. What partnerships do you admire? What dynamics would you like to emulate or avoid?

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5. Ask For Your Friends’ Preferences and Trade Notes

Once you’ve put together a solid list of preferences, take it a step further by sharing and discussing it with your friends. Then, ask them to share theirs.

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Having read the dating preferences of more than 10,000 singles, I can assure you that everybody has at least one unique take on relationships that you haven’t considered. Hearing your friends describe their preferences, dealbreakers, and past experiences will spark new ideas and help refine your list.

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These conversations also provide insight into how your preferences may play out in the real world. Friends might offer perspectives on how certain dynamics have worked (or not worked) in their relationships, helping you think more deeply about what will work for you.

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6. Develop a Preference Hierarchy

Now that you’ve refined your list, it’s time to rank every preference. Dating is, after all, a marketplace – you can’t get everything you ask for, so you have to clearly understand which preferences matter most.

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Centralize all the preferences you’ve identified and categorize each into three distinct groups: must-haves, nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers.

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• Must-Haves: These are your absolute non-negotiables. If someone lacks even one of these traits, they’re not the right fit, no matter how many other boxes they tick.

• Nice-to-Haves: These are your “wish list” traits – the qualities you’d love your partner to have but can live without.

• Dealbreakers: These are the traits or behaviors you absolutely won’t tolerate. These red flags will serve as relationship-killers any time they arise.

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This hierarchy will straighten out what really matters to you and provide clarity so you can evaluate potential partners fairly. It keeps you from getting swept up in fleeting attraction or surface-level compatibility. You’ll know when to hold firm to your standards and when to let go of minor preferences, striking a balance between your ideals and the realities of dating.

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Take Action

Now that you’ve crafted and prioritized your complete list of preferences, it’s time to put it to use. Revisit it regularly – read it, reflect on it, and take it to heart. And revise it as you learn! This list is your personal reference sheet for dating, guiding you from today until the moment you’ve found and married your soulmate.

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Your preference list is for your eyes only. If you sign up for Keeper, you’ll share it with us so we can be sure we’re looking for your ideal partner. But rest assured, we keep it 100% confidential – we never share your preferences with your matches (or anyone else).

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If you’re ready to see if Keeper can find the person who checks all your boxes, join us today.

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