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We've all been there.
You exchange numbers, go on a date, and then, without warning, they stop responding and disappear like a ghost.
You start questioning yourself:
- Is it something I said?
- What should I have done differently?
- Was I wrong to think things were going well?
In the age of digital dating, it has never been easier to meet people. But it has also never been easier to disappear without a trace.
And it’s not rare. A majority of singles say they’ve been ghosted, with 45% admitting they’ve ghosted someone else.
What Is Ghosting?
Ghosting is when someone stops responding to your texts or calls, never to be heard from again. They fade into the ether behind the screen like Casper vanishing through a wall.
Ghosting existed before the internet, but it is rampant in the digital age. Now that most couples meet online without mutual connections, there are few repercussions for ghosting. In past generations, couples met through friends, at school, at work, or at local venues like bars or church. Not only was it more difficult to disappear, but ghosting would incur social penalties within shared groups.
With the rise of dating apps that match you with total strangers, people disappear without explanation at every step. You message a match, they don’t respond. You get their number, exchange a few texts, that’s it. You go on a date, message them the next day – boom, gone. It’s a frustrating experience that creates self-doubt and insecurity.
For now, we’ll talk about ghosting that happens after you’ve met in person or after your conversation has advanced past the surface level. Other situations are different, and those will be covered later.
Why Do People Ghost?
Usually when you get ghosted, it means they simply aren’t interested in you. But telling you that directly is uncomfortable, awkward, and raises the possibility of backlash.
Sometimes people ghost because they are not invested in dating, feel intimidated, or sense a disparity in expectations around the future of the relationship. People who admit to ghosting often say it’s because they’re ‘busy’ - but this is no excuse when we’re constantly glued to our phones and sending a text takes one minute.
There was a time in our society when honesty was expected, even with people we didn’t know. Today, that expectation has been replaced by the idea that we deserve to feel good all the time. Anything that makes you feel bad is, well, bad. An uncomfortable conversation might ruin your day, so better to have no conversation at all.
And bailing has never been easier:
- Not feeling it after the first date? Ignore their invitation to a second.
- Cold feet? Cold shoulder.
- Second thoughts after the first kiss? Block their number.
Dating apps present an endless conveyor belt of anonymous faces, creating an illusion of abundance that makes other people seem disposable.
Ghosting is not allowed on Keeper because people are not disposable.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Avoidant behavior like ghosting tells you a lot about a person. It means they’re not comfortable expressing their feelings and that they don’t value you enough to provide closure.
Instead of telling the truth, they disengage completely and hope you get the point. No feedback, no clarification on areas of incompatibility, no lessons learned for your continued dating journey.
How to Deal with Being Ghosted
After being ghosted, you might blame yourself, wondering what you could have done differently. It’s normal to feel disappointed, and there is always room for growth. But you have to ask yourself:
Would I really want to be with someone who thought it was ok to ghost me?
Even if you really liked them, that kind of behavior is a huge red flag. Do you want to be with someone who checks out when things get uncomfortable? Better to be ghosted now than emotionally abandoned after you're in a relationship.
Don’t Take Ghosting Personally
Being ghosted can make you feel ashamed and unworthy.
Take those emotions in – don’t suppress them. But don’t dwell for any longer than a day. People get ghosted all the time, and it’s not an indictment of who you are. Dust yourself off, delete their number, get back out there, and don’t let the fear of being ghosted again dampen your excitement to meet someone new. Oversensitivity and insecurity will make you more likely to get ghosted again – not only because those are unattractive qualities, but because they will make your dates apprehensive about hurting your feelings directly.
Ghosting is an unfortunate fact of modern dating, and you must be resilient to it. It isn’t your fault that someone else is afraid of awkwardness.
What Should I Say to Someone Who's Ghosting Me?
If you want closure from someone who’s ghosted you, it’s okay to send one unthreatening text kindly asking for an explanation. But no more than one. And don't expect a response (after all, they’re ghosting you).
You might say:
“Hey. I can tell you’re not interested in taking things further, and that’s okay. I’m not upset. I just wanted to see if you had any specific feedback that might be helpful to me in the future.”
And leave it at that. Don’t debate, don’t follow-up – just take the feedback (or lack thereof) and keep moving.
The Case for Ghosting
So far, we’ve talked about ghosting as something that happens after you’ve met in person or established a meaningful rapport. Once you’ve met face-to-face, there is no excuse for ghosting – especially if you’ve been physically intimate. If someone has invested their time in meeting and getting to know you, you owe them the courtesy of a clean break.
If you haven’t met yet, it’s different.
Ghosting on the App
Most conversations on dating apps go nowhere, and sometimes people call this ghosting. Really, it’s what you should expect with most of your matches. Dating apps are a terrible venue for getting to know someone. People – women especially – are usually entertaining several matches at a time, and it’s hard to keep them organized.
When your dating app conversation ends abruptly, it means they got distracted, aren’t invested, or aren’t feeling it. In any case, there’s no meaningful feedback to give beyond “sorry, I’m not interested.”
Under the expectation that most dating app conversations are dead ends, decisively telling someone “no thanks” is more confusing than just letting the conversation fade.
Ghosting off the App
For the minority of matches that actually lead somewhere, the usual funnel looks like this:
- Match on the app.
- Exchange a few messages.
- Exchange phone numbers or socials.
- Take the conversation off the app and exchange a few more messages.
- Go on a date.
As mentioned earlier, you should expect to get ghosted at steps 1 and 2, and ghosting is usually the most merciful way to end a conversation at these stages. Ghosting happens at step 3 as well, but it’s the same deal. (This is where you find out if they’re only on the app to collect Instagram followers).
After the conversation has left the app (step 4), many matches still end with ghosting. This is one reason you should suggest an in-person date or video call as quickly as possible. You can't get to know someone over text, and the longer the conversation drags on, the less likely it becomes that you’ll ever actually meet. The tactic I’ve always used is to invite them on a date within the first three messages, but everyone’s style is different.
Ghosting After a First Date
Sometimes you go on a first date where it's clear there's no connection. You may feel there's nothing more to be said.
Here, the ethics of ghosting are not obvious. You must realize that two people can walk away from the same experience with vastly different interpretations.
One time I went on a lame date with a girl. I left the bar comfortable that I'd never see her again, assuming she felt the same. A week later she messaged me upset saying she'd had an amazing time and couldn't understand why I would ghost her.
Another time I went on a lame date with another girl. We said our goodbyes, and I walked home thinking about all the other things I could have done with that hour. The next morning, I woke up to a text saying, "Hey, it was really nice meeting you, but this is not the connection I'm looking for."
"No sh*t," I said to myself. But I appreciated the gesture.
After a bad date, they may not care to hear from you at all. But you never know.
If you're a man, you're expected to make the next move after your first meetup. The right thing to do is tell her politely that you enjoyed meeting but didn't feel a connection. Maybe she'll have a reaction similar to mine, but it's best to play it safe when assuming how she feels. In the event that she did like you, it would be wrong to prolong her suffering as she sits by the phone wondering "is he rejecting me, or just slow to get in touch."
If you're a woman, it's the man's obligation to contact you first. If he's still chasing hope, let him down easy. If you never hear from him again, then the feeling is mutual.
Conclusion
If you’re reading this, hopefully you have the courtesy to never ghost.
When you find yourself being ghosted, the crucial question is, “how well does this person know me?”
If the answer is "well enough to have a good explanation," it's reasonable to expect one. But that doesn't mean you'll receive it.
Ghosting is a reality of modern dating and something you need to be resilient to. Being ghosted is normal and not worth agonizing over. If you find yourself being ghosted repeatedly, it may be wise to talk to a coach who can provide actionable feedback and strategies for attracting and keeping the right partner.
Keeper has a zero-tolerance policy toward ghosting at any stage of the process because Keeper is not a dating app. We hold our members to a high standard of honorable behavior, and ghosts get busted. But why would you ghost your perfect match anyway?
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